A battle between head and heart

My mind is a muddled mess of opportunity.

I think I’ve written that line before. In fact, I’m sure I have. It isn’t the first time in my life I’ve found myself at a crossroads, and I doubt it will be the last.

I had this idea growing up that one day I would have it all figured out. That I would grow up, build a life and suddenly know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I had a map in my head. I didn’t quite know what was on it, but I assumed it would be as simple as following it and life would work itself out.

I’ve learned that it isn’t that cut and dry. If we’re being honest, most of us don’t have it figured out. I just have a hard time accepting that I may never really know what I’m doing or where life is going to take me.

I stand here with numerous opportunities open before me. The world is my oyster, as those in favor of cliches would say.

If there is a map, it leads to too many places. There are too many times where I have to choose which way to go. Isn’t it supposed to lead me? That’s what I always thought.

What do you do when you know there a million and one ways to be happy? When you can see numerous paths to fulfillment?

I’ve always been one to follow my heart. I wear it on my sleeve (there are those cliches again). I hand it out openly, I lead with it. I love big, and because of that, I fall on my face a lot. Because of that, I tend to crash and burn more often than my more cautious peers.

Caution isn’t in my vocabulary. I throw myself into things whole-heartedly and run with it until it doesn’t feel right.

I don’t mean to be so indecisive, but is there really any other way to figure out what is right for you? If you don’t try, will you ever know? Or will you live in a constant state of what ifs and wishful thinking?

I’ve rarely regretted throwing myself out there and bearing my heart for the world to see, even when it doesn’t work out in my favor. Β You can say a lot about me, but you can never say I don’t try.

My point is, how do I know when an opportunity is worth it or if it is a big waste of energy –physical and emotional?

I tend to fall in love with possibility, with the idea of what things could be. I’m a dreamer and my head is in the clouds more often than it is present here on earth. But how beautiful would it be if I somehow made all those dreams swirling around in my head a reality?

My brain is muddled. My heart wants to leap, but my brain is a mess.

I’ve become sure of who I am lately. I’m sassy and loud and indecisive. I come on far too strong, and I’m a hopeless romantic that believes love will always in in the end.Β I feel stronger than I ever have, but it hasn’t made me any more sure about the specifics of what I want out of life.

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All I know is I want to be happy, and I want to do right by my little girl. What that means or what happiness looks like is a mystery to me.

I don’t know why all of this stresses me out so much. I don’t know why I can’t just make a decision, choose a path, and stick to it.

Maybe because I like the idea that life is fluid and that we don’t have to be stuck with things we don’t want forever. That it is okay to decide something and realize that while it may have been the best thing at the time, it isn’t the best for forever.

Nothing is permanent, and that is both beautiful and terrifying.

Or honestly, maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to be wishy-washy. Maybe I’m just enjoying the feeling of being in complete control of where my life goes from here for the first time in my life that I’m getting power hungry.

I feel myself looking for some sort of permission. From who? I have no idea. I’m 22, it has been at least six years since I’ve listened to a thing my parents told me to do, as I’m sure they will tell you.

It is a constant battle between head and heart. Between letting fear win and letting love win.

I feel less like there is anything tying me to one specific place. Less like I need to be tied to one specific place.

I spent my whole life searching for the elusive “home,” and I’ve realized over the past few months that it is less a place and more a feeling. In a lot of ways, I’ve come to accept that part of loving so many people means that my heart will always be stretched across the globe, and there will always be parts of me that long to be elsewhere to be with them.

What is important is figuring out where I want to be.

I’ve never felt more okay feeling so rootless, feeling so much like I can do whatever I want.

If only I had any clue what that was –or how to discover it.

Maybe love only wins in the end if we have the courage to overcome our fears and let it.

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